The last couple weeks were difficult and my spirit took a serious beaten. I did my best to not allow what I was feeling spill over into our home, but as we know unhappiness spreads like a cancer so I have no doubt my stress was noticeable especially to the one dearest to me…my daughter. On Monday morning, I dropped Anya off at school and before she got out she handed me a drawing. It was of this woman who was crying. It caught me off guard and I asked her if it was me, but she sheepishly said no and jumped out of the car. I sat there for a few minutes staring at this portrait of sadness looking back at me and burst into tears.
Wow! Is this how my daughter saw me? A crying, sad, lonely looking woman? I mean I knew the last few weeks weren’t my best, but was it that bad? Talk about having a moment. I didn’t want Anya to envision her mom like this and I didn’t want to be unhappy any longer. I decided right there through the tears that it was time for a serious change. I knew that the reason I felt depleted was that I had allowed busyness to shift my priorities. My eyes stopped focusing on Jesus and was steadfast on all the to do’s that were nipping at my heels. I had to be honest with myself. I permitted myself to stay in a job situation that was sucking the life out of me. The demands of the job and the unexpected travel had taken its toll. I had stopped living an authentic life. Instead of focusing on what I loved to do and felt a calling to pursue, I was spending all my energy on doing what drained me. That day I made a huge decision to leave what wasn’t feeding me any longer and when I took that scary step, another opportunity that is in align with what I believe God wants me to do immediately appeared.
When Anya came home Monday afternoon, I ask her if she thought I was happy. She looks at me quizzically and says, “Yes, why?” I said, “Well you drew that picture of me crying.” She starts shaking her head, laughing and says,“Mom! That is a picture I drew in art of one of Picasso’s paintings!” LOL! Yep, it wasn’t about me after all it was all about Picasso! The point is that picture resonated with me. It wasn’t about Anya’s perception of me, it was about my perception of myself. I recognized myself in that picture…an unhappy broken woman without joy and it broke my heart! In a strange and beautiful way Anya’s drawing inspired me to change, to stop the tears, and to get in alignment with God’s will for my life. God works in hilarious miraculous ways and I’m so thankful he worked through Anya and a drawing of Picasso to get me to open my eyes, look in the mirror and intentionally make the changes that are restoring the peace that had been alluding me. Keep your eyes open you never know how God is going to speak to you! It might even be through Picasso!
Don’t you love chores? NOT! There are those daily chores that are so mundane that they can easily give us a case of the grumps. I have found if I find gratitude in doing them I’m a bit more thankful doing the daily things. When you’re doing chores try saying little prayers of gratitude that relate to that chore. For example, as I was washing the dishes last night with every scrub I gave thanks. It went something like this:
Scraping food off the plates- Thank you Lord for providing us with food for our bodies.
Filling the sink with water- Lord, I am grateful for the clean water you provide us with not only to drink but to wash our dishes so that we can eat off of clean plates.
Scrubbing the dishes-Thank you Father for giving me the strength and use of my hands to be able wash these dishes.
Drying the dishes and putting them away- I am so blessed to have a warm home where I can put my belongings away.
Cleaning off the dining room table- Lord, thank you for allowing my daughter and I to share another dinner together around the table. Thank you for the laughter and conversation, may we always stay this close.
If we try hard enough we can always find the gratitude and blessings in our day to day routines no matter how mundane they may. The mundane reminds us of how event the simple things are blessings!
Some people might consider my day a complete wash. Nothing got accomplished…no cleaning, washing clothes, cooking, taking the garbage to the side of the road, going grocery shopping, doing any real work, returning phone calls or anything else. You might say that I was unproductive. My day was spent lying for the most part in my bed with my daughter who has a nasty stomach virus. My sweet girl is pretty miserable and when my baby isn’t right everything stops in my world. So I spent my day basically lying in bed with her watching American Girl Movies for about 6 hours. I tried to make her laugh, sat in the bathroom with her while she was sick, rubbed her belly, comforted her, tried to coax her into eating some crackers and was present…the most important thing I did all week.
As I write, she is sleeping next to me soundly after asking me to read her the bible (bless her heart). I’m praying she sleeps through the night, unlike last evening in which she woke up several times sick, but even if it is a restless night I know I am immensely blessed to be able to do the most importantwork which is to be a mom…
Okay so if you read about my MOMMY MELTDOWN then you know I’ve not been on the upswing. But, today there was a little silver lining. My daughter had a great day at school! After a few days of seeing her down and out today she was giggling and laughing as I drove her and her friend to gala practice. Then at bible study tonight I was able to convince her to go in her regular class and thanks to her fantastic teacher she had a wonderful time and will absolutely be going back to her regular class. Anya told me she got her swag back! And that made my evening! Praise God my little girl seems to be back to herself.
God amazes me how he continues to show up, to give us grace just when we are at our edge. His grace does sustain us.
I have been experiencing MOMMY MELTDOWN! Do any of you know what I’m talking about? When one thing after another goes wrong and you literally feel like your under attack? It’s like my island is being invaded by enemies from every direction, and they are heavily armed and they aren’t discriminating on who they attack…even children aren’t safe! It’s the type of attack where you want to crawl up in a corner and just retreat until the bombs stop falling. But, real life calls for you to to come out of hiding, put on your armor and deal with the war. Here are just a few of the bombs that have landed on my island:
My washer just stopped working and needs fixed
Anya is having trouble with a teacher at school the kind of situation that make my mama bear’s claws come out
Had a meeting about the trouble and felt as though the real issue is hesitantly being dealt with and now it is playing over and over in my mind
My daughter doesn’t want to go into her normal bible study with her peers because they called her onion instead of Anya and although I’ve tried to explain that it was a joke she’s having a hard time getting over it
Work is frustrating
Work is frustrating
Work is frustrating
There is gala practice for Anya for a fundraiser at her school every day this week and I have to drive her 45 minutes away to their brother school to practice .
Since they have given them 1/2 days of school for gala practice I also have to find a place to work near the rehearsals because it is during work hours
Financially I’m struggling
Creatively I feel stuck
I have to spend money on new shoes for Anya for the gala that I really don’t have right now after spending $150.00 for the gala ticket, because otherwise I couldn’t see her perform
I’ve been undercharged for my health insurance and need to pay the difference
Maybe you’re thinking you call this a meltdown, please you should come to my house! But this is where I’m at right now and I’m in Mommy Meltdown mode, so I’m calling on all you out there, to please pray for me and my family. I know God’s hand is in this and more than ever I need to rely on him and I know he’ll see me through, but when you’re going through it sometimes the light seems far away. Please don’t get me wrong I know I am blessed and I feel like a bit of a brat for complaining, but it’s important to be honest and stand in what your honesty, so I hope you can bear with me while I have this meltdown!