3 Ways To Allow The Scab From Your Ex to Heal

scab

When I talk to single moms one of the topics that never fails to arise is… the father of their children. Unfortunately, once the subject is broached there usually follows a tirade of emotion. I get it. I’ve been there and it isn’t easy. But, these conversations always makes me think about the healing process and what a complicated and delicate journey it is to heal from a divorce or separation especially when a child is involved. It’s interesting, I’ve spoken to women who have been divorced for years and as soon as the ex-factor comes up it is like they are transported back into time and can recall every single terrible thing they went through. It isn’t surprising because ties are ties and when a trust is broken or violated it sticks with us like a scar and if we start  picking at that scar or scab that old wound just starts bleeding again. How often do you pick at your ex-scab?

My daughter has a ton of scabs from playing, falling and Lord knows what else from school. There are three things I tell her to do with a scab:

  1. Clean It
  2. Don’t Pick at It
  3. Let it Heal

This is not a bad way to deal with our scabs from the father of our children. How you say? Well, let’s break it down.

  1. Clean It- This has more to do with you then him. There comes a point when you have to come clean. Take responsibility for your part, be accountable. When we start the purifying process it takes us looking back, laying it on the table honestly, asking for forgiveness for our own actions and asking God to grant us a pure heart and mind when it comes to this relationship. When you clean yourself from all the dirt, grime, and residue left behind then your attitude changes. Remember it really does begin with you. This isn’t an easy process it may take years but it will give you freedom. When we leave a wound unclean it gets infected and can spread. Stop it from spreading and infecting the other areas of your life with your family and even the possibility of love again.
  2. Don’t Pick at It- What is it about scabs that make them so tempting to pick? Just when that wound is being covered and trying to grow a new skin we want to dig away at it? When we constantly rehash the past and pick apart every bit of that relationship, every argument, every hurt we take away the ability for our wounds to heal. We don’t give that new skin a chance because we keep ripping it off and it keeps bleeding. There comes a point where you have to accept that you fell, you got hurt, but then you have to get up and heal. If you want to have any type of cordial relationship with your ex stop picking at the wound between the two of you. This is hard. But, you have a choice you can either live bleeding and injured or you can live healed with a scar that fades more and more every day.
  3. Let it Heal-Have you ever heard people say that you need to let your scab breathe? Give yourself time to breathe. Don’t expect your scar to disappear in a few days or even a few months. But, take off the band aid, run, play, enjoy life and breathe in all that is good and exhale all that doesn’t serve you. Be kind, be compassionate, be gentle with your injury and take care of yourself and allow time for healing. You and your family deserve it!

We’re going to get lots of bruise on the bumpy road of life, but if we know how to take care of them we can move forward a little easier. Wishing you a healing today!

Comments

  1. says

    Such true advice! Almost five years later since the last time I have seen my sons biological father and only in the last year have I started realizing the part I played and been able to feel compassion for what he went through!

  2. says

    Like you rightly said, these things are hard to do. I can totally relate but we have to commit to the needful. I rely on the Lord to help me. He alone is my help!

  3. Tara says

    How I Learnt to Successfully Co-Parent 
    I should start off by saying that this started off as the greatest challenge I had ever encountered in my life second to becoming a parent. Soon after the birth of my daughter however, parenting became leaps and bounds easier than jointly performing this task with her father. Not only were her father and I unmarried, but we were not even in a committed relationship. Yikes!
    I soon had to ask myself what it was I wanted for my daughter. I knew for a fact that I wanted her to have two parents whom she could say and feel without any doubt loved her to the greatest degree possible. In my fight to ensure that she had that, I made many mistakes. MANY!!!
    I had to stop and ask myself several questions and do certain things, which I will share with you.
    1. Do I want a man for myself or a father for my child?
    This I think was the hardest question I had to ask myself. Were the trials I faced with him based on me not getting what I wanted from his as a man, my man, or was it based on him not being the father I wanted him to be to our child? Well, quite frankly he was lacking in both areas quite significantly, but I had to decide what was more important to me. That was easy. My daughter was the single most important person in my life and I wanted her to have a father that she could be proud of and depend on.
    I realised that all things considered, as it stood at that point, he could not be a man that I could be satisfied with. I will address this later. I decided that in spite of that, I had to make him comfortable when he came to see our daughter and no man wants to be around and angry, nagging woman. Many people have said that I am too accommodating, but sometimes you have to pick your battles as well as make sacrifices for what’s truly important.
    Proverbs 21:9 says: Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome woman.
    2. Put God First
    This was not listed as the first point here because my decision to put God first both in my life and in my relationship with my daughter’s father came after our battles had already commenced unfortunately. It came after the back and forth of us being in and out of a “relationship” and after the birth of our child. I have put relationship in inverted commas, but I, like so many other women, mistake sex for a relationship.
    I can assure you that my decision to put God first, has caused a complete turnaround in my relationship with my daughter’s father. Firstly, my decision to accept Christ as my Saviour and become baptised, demanded that I stop any physical relationship with my daughter’s father.

    It was not an easy decision because I realised for a very long time I chose to hold on to ANYTHING that he was willing to give me in spite of what he WASN’T giving me. My decision to accept Christ changed all that. It showed me my worth. It showed me what was truly important. I shared my decision with my daughter’s father and our relationship has become better than it has ever been. I swear to you folks! It is now a true friendship where we love and respect each other and truly enjoy each other’s company. What happens to that relationship in the future is entirely up to God now, but it is no longer my focus or my priority. Thank God!

    3. Choose Your Battles
    Not EVERYTHING needs to be fought over. In this new age of women’s empowerment and all that, us as women feel the need to ‘stand our ground’ or ‘put our foot down’ about every single issue that comes before us. You cannot understand how much more peaceful your life would be if you just let some things go! Seriously! (I can already see the side eye from you ladies). He doesn’t come to visit your child as often as you would like? Let it go! At the end of the day, he comes to see your child! Some kids don’t get to see their father at all! That’s not being satisfied with mediocrity, that’s allowing for human error. We are all fallible!

    You think by you acting up every time he’s late to see your child or misses a date with your child he’s going to come more often? No, he’s going to stay away because he can’t take the nagging from you! What I do, is just send a message or make a phone call and say that our daughter misses him and has been asking for him. He shows up that same day or the next. I promise you! A lot of men are like kids themselves. They need to be ‘babied’. Sigh. Decide what you want. You want him to come see your child, just say so! (I didn’t say bark or bellow, I said say).

    4. Focus on Raising a Happy Child
    Trust me, once you both have that as your priority, you can only expect to have a successful co-parenting relationship! When my daughter’s father and I are together, (NOW) lol, we laugh and joke and play together and with our child. There are no sour faces, mean mugs, or evil eyes. It’s all love. We have moved past the hurt feelings, the failed relationship, the wrong doings, all of the baggage. We have forgiven. We have learned to love each other unconditionally. Without sex.

    Corinthians 13:4-7 says: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    When you truly learn what love means, where is there room for anger and hate and reproach and all of that negative feeling? We have learned to move past all the nonsense and just love. Most importantly, we love our child unconditionally. She is our number one priority. I can assure you that my child is a happy, healthy and loved child. Whatever journey God may take me and my daughter’s father on separately, he has taken us on this wonderful journey together. This journey that has taught me so many amazing things. This journey that has taught me about myself. This journey that has brought me closer to God. This journey that has brought the most amount of joy, happiness and love I have ever felt. This journey called parenthood. This journey called co-parenting. This journey called Ava-Marie!

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