When I talk to single moms one of the topics that never fails to arise is… the father of their children. Unfortunately, once the subject is broached there usually follows a tirade of emotion. I get it. I’ve been there and it isn’t easy. But, these conversations always makes me think about the healing process and what a complicated and delicate journey it is to heal from a divorce or separation especially when a child is involved. It’s interesting, I’ve spoken to women who have been divorced for years and as soon as the ex-factor comes up it is like they are transported back into time and can recall every single terrible thing they went through. It isn’t surprising because ties are ties and when a trust is broken or violated it sticks with us like a scar and if we start picking at that scar or scab that old wound just starts bleeding again. How often do you pick at your ex-scab?
My daughter has a ton of scabs from playing, falling and Lord knows what else from school. There are three things I tell her to do with a scab:
- Clean It
- Don’t Pick at It
- Let it Heal
This is not a bad way to deal with our scabs from the father of our children. How you say? Well, let’s break it down.
- Clean It- This has more to do with you then him. There comes a point when you have to come clean. Take responsibility for your part, be accountable. When we start the purifying process it takes us looking back, laying it on the table honestly, asking for forgiveness for our own actions and asking God to grant us a pure heart and mind when it comes to this relationship. When you clean yourself from all the dirt, grime, and residue left behind then your attitude changes. Remember it really does begin with you. This isn’t an easy process it may take years but it will give you freedom. When we leave a wound unclean it gets infected and can spread. Stop it from spreading and infecting the other areas of your life with your family and even the possibility of love again.
- Don’t Pick at It- What is it about scabs that make them so tempting to pick? Just when that wound is being covered and trying to grow a new skin we want to dig away at it? When we constantly rehash the past and pick apart every bit of that relationship, every argument, every hurt we take away the ability for our wounds to heal. We don’t give that new skin a chance because we keep ripping it off and it keeps bleeding. There comes a point where you have to accept that you fell, you got hurt, but then you have to get up and heal. If you want to have any type of cordial relationship with your ex stop picking at the wound between the two of you. This is hard. But, you have a choice you can either live bleeding and injured or you can live healed with a scar that fades more and more every day.
- Let it Heal-Have you ever heard people say that you need to let your scab breathe? Give yourself time to breathe. Don’t expect your scar to disappear in a few days or even a few months. But, take off the band aid, run, play, enjoy life and breathe in all that is good and exhale all that doesn’t serve you. Be kind, be compassionate, be gentle with your injury and take care of yourself and allow time for healing. You and your family deserve it!
We’re going to get lots of bruise on the bumpy road of life, but if we know how to take care of them we can move forward a little easier. Wishing you a healing today!