I Thought I’d Lose Myself Being a Mom and Instead I Found Myself… Thank You Anya

I’ve been a little nostalgic and emotional this past week because Anya will turn 10 next Tuesday! I’m blown away and humbled by the degree to which my life has changed in the last 10 years! I was a totally different person pre- Anya one that seems so distant and almost non-existent. The old me was  scattered, always searching, reckless and never genuinely content. I always thought there was more. More places to see, more fun to have, more more more. When in actuality I always felt like I was lacking even at the height of all the ‘fun’ I thought I was having in the midst of my adventures. After Anya arrived  my heart was split wide open, it was as though I was led into this new secret  world that was starkly different from the one I had been living in for so many years. This world was more colorful more alive and in some ways scarier. It was a world that forced me to feel everything, to be present and braver than I ever thought possible.

I credit Anya for not only redirecting my focus, but  for in some way turning me back towards God. I never wanted her to fill the void that I was always so desperate to fill.  My deepest desire was to give her the life she deserved and for that to happen I needed to be whole. In the depth of my heart I always knew and that wholeness could only come from God. So my journey began and it has been amazing and surprising in the best and most difficult kind of way.  It’s interesting what your children extract from you that you had no idea existed. Through Anya my creativity was awakened, I discovered how strong, courageous and capable I am and she taught me how deeply I could love another human being. Anya woke up the warrior in me that laid dormant for so long. I learned to fight for us and most of all for Anya. Life really started 10 years ago on Valentine’s Day when I entered into the hospital to give birth to this magical, magnificent little person. The moment she took her first breath my life was forever altered in the most incredible and permanent way.

I’m so overwhelmingly grateful for my daughter who turned my world upside down and  made me discover who I was…the authentic me. Last night she told me last-minute she was having a party at school, so while she was finishing up her homework I created Valentine cards for her class.  I had to chuckle at how I am such a MOM! There I was holding the hot glue in one hand while I’m leaning over supervising her homework with craft supplies spread out everywhere. LOL! I never imagined I would love being a mom as much as I do. I’d be lying if I said it was perfect! Motherhood has also broke me many of times. There are days I want to lie in the middle of the floor kicking, screaming and crying (and in private I have!), but nothing compares to this kind of love on earth. In my single self-centered days I was always hesitant about being a mom because I thought  I would lose myself, little did I know I would find myself. So, thank you Anya for loving me unconditionally and making me want to be my best self.  You will always be my favorite Valentine and my life is infinitely better because of you my sweet and precious girl!Happy 10th Birthday I can’t wait to see what the years bring to you!

mday1

 

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