So I have this whole draft of my workout updates with calories burned and food eaten, but I decided to talk about something else in this post, something honest and real. Yesterday, I was on the treadmill, sweating bee bees as my grandma would say when I looked down at the time I had left, I had been riding for 50 minutes at 15% incline and I was tired…bone tired. I wanted to cry. Seriously, I had to talk myself out of busting out in tears, although I’m sure the sweat that was pouring off my face could have served as a cover up. I wanted to cry because I let myself gain weight and become relatively unhealthy. I served my emotional needs through food and now I was paying the consequences. I can drum up the excuse that 2012 was a rough year.. I had to go through a custody trial, spend tons of money, went through a job transition that I thought would be great that isn’t, discover some truths out about people that shook to my core, and so many other things. But, didn’t God have his hand in all of this? Hasn’t he guided me through the rough times and provided for me always? So why did I find it necessary to turn to anything but him?
I knew better than this, didn’t I? Hadn’t I been down this road before about four years ago? Didn’t I remember that it is never a good idea to feed your emotions with food? But, there I was on a treadmill next to a girl with the most perfect ponytail and toned legs you ever saw hardly breaking a sweat and actually grinning while she ran happily as I was sweating like a pig! I wanted to yell, ” What the heck are you smiling about!” Yeah I had thigh envy! Do you all know what I’m talking about? Oh and a mirror the length of the wall in the gym did nothing but enhance the intensity of my thigh envy! But, perfect ponytail girl aside I was really mad at myself. I kept thinking about why I chose to slip back into bad habits, because it is a choice. I had a choice about how to handle stress and I didn’t make the best choice. I lost weight before, and I don’t want to toot my horn, but I felt fabulous! I looked good, I felt healthy, and my overall outlook on life was positive. I ate healthy meals, exercised and was in the best shape of my life. So why give that up? Bad habits are comfortable. Those pizza slices I devoured were comfort along with the bags of chocolate licorice and my bed that I found myself in many of evenings when I could have been exercising but didn’t because I was too exhausted looking over the lawyer fees for my custody case. I wasn’t channeling all that negative and uncomfortable emotions I had into taking care of myself physically and even spiritually at times.
I’m learning the painful truth about how doing the same thing over and over will only yield the same results. I wanted to hop off that treadmill and say forget it! But, I didn’t, I finished that hour by praying for strength to follow through and he gave it to me I finished. Afterward, I did some strength training, fed myself a healthy dinner of fish and veggies, and then headed off to bible study. I regained a little bit of that determination I once had not because I dug deep down in myself, but because I dug into the Lord. This isn’t just about a lower number on the scale for me it is about learning how to handle life as it comes not through earthly means but through godly means. Do I think God cares about my weight? No, but he does care about me treating my body as a temple, he cares about my spiritual growth and that I’m equipped to do his work. So, I may always have thigh envy, but I’ll continue with my quest to be healthy because I do want a healthier me.. for myself, my daughter, and for God.