For more than three years now I’ve blocked out the thought of love and dating. I’ve done everything possible to deny myself this part of my life. Although, I can probably attribute it to heartbreak and loss, I think the real reason is being scared. Scared to be vulnerable, scared of failure and honestly getting my heart broken was pretty darn hard. Let’s face it most breakups aren’t easy, but when a child is involved it is a whole different ball game. Obviously, my choices now as a mother are much more examined and critical. I could never bring a string of random men into my daughter’s life and the idea of introducing her to someone is not something I take lightly. Lately, I do find myself missing that part of my life.
I’ve been completely closed off to meeting anyone or dating and recently I feel like I’m cheating myself. I’ve realized that I miss love! I miss the butterflies, the companionship, the talks and walks, holding hands and just simply enjoying intimacy not physical but emotional intimacy. Isn’t life about taking chances, loving even if it leads to heartbreak. I’m not going to sign up for a dating service, but I am going to be more open to the possibilities. I’m somewhat young and I can’t honestly sit here and say that I never want to fall in love again! Nor should I. I’m learning in order to move forward it’s essential to make peace with the past and leave it where it belongs.I’ve learned a great deal from my previous relationship. I learned to listen, to bend, to accept my flaws and be more patient with others and not to walk away so quickly. I’ve learned to turn to God and to make him the cornerstone of all my relationships. Closing a chapter is difficult. You’re familiar with the story and how it plays out and it’s appealing to stay stuck between those pages. Creating a new chapter requires courage it demands that you step out of your comfort zone and begin again.
I was watching Eat, Pray and Love and Julia Roberts said this one line about how being in ruin leads to transformation. What a powerful statement. When we’re in ruins we learn so much about ourself and how much we can endure. We learn how to rebuild better and stronger. We transform our decay into something beautiful. Another profound line was when she said how two people can live a life together unhappy but happy because they aren’t seperated from eachother. Interesting huh? It is so easy to become complacent. In complacency there is comfort, but a comfort that’s dangerous to the soul. It squashes our spirit and keeps us stuck and unwilling to grow. I’ve experienced that situation. Hanging around in a realtionship knowing nothing will change but never fully releasing the other person because it hurts so much to let go of what your vision was, but your vision was never the reality. In the end the real pain is the result of remaining stuck and refusing to release.
With all that being said Anya is number one and takes precedence over everything, but it’s okay for me to be a mother and a woman too. It has taken me a long time to come to grips with that, but I’m finally emerging from the ruins, ready to rebuild a more permanent and stronger structure. I’m turning the page and hopeful, and that’s all we can really do.